Friday 30 August – Observing the silence kick in

Last Saturday I had my first experience of noticing the moment that the food noise switched off. I think that previously I have not noticed it either because I have had the jab late in the evening, or the food suppression was still strong when I took the next dose, or I have often taken it on a Sunday morning and then gone out for a big lunch and by teatime I wasn’t hungry. But last week was different.

I took the jab on Saturday morning, in preparation for my holiday this week. And by now I am aware that the 5mg isn’t lasting all week, I have the 7.5mg pen in the fridge ready for when this one runs out.

I had the jab at about 10 am and was feeling hungry. I started to think about lunch, what did I fancy? I settled on a toasted cheese and onion sandwich. I was really looking forward to it. I waited until my hubby got home from work and we ate lunch together. Straight after the toastie I had a yoghurt and then sat on the sofa to watch tv. The food noise was loud.

I wanted chocolate, I wanted cake, I wanted everything. I started to plan what I would have. I settled on a family size bag of revels; I would walk to the local shop to get it. Then the heavens opened, and we had torrential rain. So, my attention switched to Deliveroo.

What could I get delivered. Could I do a Co-Op order for chocolate?  Where is delivering cake? Oh now I fancy a burger. I know I’ll order a burger and fries for dinner and a tub of Ben and Jerrys Phish Food ice cream. I felt excited. The anticipation of knowing I could just order it and it would come. At 5.30 I placed the order for delivery at 6.30pm

Bad news, they were out of Phish food ice cream. They only had cookie dough; I don’t like cookie dough! What will I do? What are my other options? My hubby said we had mini mint magnums in the freezer. That will do. Burger, fries, mini magnum, sorted.

I was so looking forward to it that I decided to go and have a quick bath and put my pyjamas on, ready for full on comfort binge.

As I got out of the bath and started to think about my dinner on its way, I realised that the excitement had gone. What had happened?  Where was it?

The delivery arrived, my hubby got out the plates, and I looked at the food, and I felt NOTHING.  I had absolutely no desire for it whatsoever. We had just paid £30 for this! I thought it would be ok, once I started to eat it I would enjoy it. I ate 2 chips and tried to eat the burger. The best bit was the bun and the lettuce. After a few bites I gave up.

I genuinely felt like I had spent the whole day bingeing, all I had thought about was food.

In reality I had eaten, a cheese and onion toastie, a yoghurt, 2 chips and a few bites of a burger.

I know I have said this already in previous blogs, but it really demonstrates that this drug impacts the part of my brain that thinks about food. Not just suppressing hunger, overeating was almost never about hunger, it was about desire, and somehow it removes that.

If this is how slim people’s brains work all the time, then this drug definitely levels the playing field.

Food is just food. I still enjoy it, but I don’t crave it. It is not the most important part of my day.

I go off on holiday to Austria tomorrow. Previously I would have been thinking either that I will give myself permission to eat whatever I want, because I am on holiday, or, I would be a little sad that my holiday won’t be a proper holiday because I am trying to be good.

This time I am going to allow myself to enjoy my holiday, try new foods, relax and enjoy the silence.